How to Keep Your Marriage Growing—Part Two

Pastor Rick Warren: Everybody longs for deep, lasting love. But strong relationships don't just happen by accident. Today on Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, we're continuing our series called Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life. Rick Warren will share practical, biblical wisdom for building healthier, stronger, Christ-centered relationships. So, whether you're single, dating, engaged or married, this series will help you grow in love, communication, and lasting commitment. And let's wrap up with the final part of a message called, How to Keep Your Marriage Growing. You know what the greatest enemy of romance is? It is not adultery. It is not anger. It is not bitterness. The number one enemy of romance is busyness. You're just too busy for each other. You don't have time together anymore. Your schedule is full, and your spouse has been sidelined by your schedule. And you're two ships passing in the night, rushing around, and you don't have time for each other. Now, let me tell you this, nobody is going to make time for your marriage except you. Your boss isn't going to say, “Oh, go more, spend more time with your wife.” Or your husband. No, you have to make time for your husband. You have to make time for your wife, because nobody else is going to do it. Your marriage is what you make it. In fact, everybody else in the world wants to keep you from spending time with your husband or your wife. Your girlfriends, the guys, all kinds of people would rather have you spend time with them than with your husband or with your wife. And yet, the University of Nebraska did a study on what makes a fantastic marriage. And they discovered that the common denominator in every great marriage was real simple. They spend a lot of time together. They spend a lot of time together. Now, I don't care how dedicated you are to Jesus Christ, what a wonderful Christian you are, if you don't spend time together, your marriage is going to drift apart. You have to spend time together, no matter how dedicated you are. You have to spend time together if you want to have a strong, healthy, deep marriage. Now, did you know that sexuality and spirituality are very closely related? Because God wired you up that way. You're not just a body, you are a spirit. And when your spirits are both in tune with God, He brings you together in a bonding that unbelievers know nothing about. They know nothing about that level of intimacy. It's not just body to body, it's heart to heart, soul to soul, spirit to spirit. It's a kind of intimacy that God intended for every married couple to have, but it only comes when you're growing closer to God and your mate is growing closer to God and He pulls you both together, and you spend time together. Christians should have better sex than anybody. You can quote me on that one. You know what Rick said the other day? You know the Puritans, the people who started, founded this country, you know, came over on the Mayflower and Plymouth Rock and founded Thanksgiving? The Puritans have gotten a bad rap, because they have been told, we've been told for years that they were prudes, that they were anti-sex, that they were very sexually repressed because they were very spiritual people, and very, that's not true at all. In fact, they were just exact opposite. In fact, the Puritans believed that sex was one of God's greatest gifts that He had given to marriage, and they considered that a lack of affection in marriage was actually a major sin. Dr. Leland Ryken, a professor, has written a book about this, and he sets the record straight. And on page 39, he says, a Puritan wife in New England felt that her husband was neglecting their sex life. So she complained, first to her pastor, please don't do that to me. Let's see, 70,000 people in our church, I can imagine the number of emails I'd get this week on that one. First she complained to her pastor and then to the whole church that her husband was avoiding sex. Well, the Puritan church took it so seriously that they proceeded to kick the man out of the church membership until he rectified the situation. Now, I wonder what would happen to our church if we did that at Saddleback. What what kind of reputation? Oh, that's the church where you get kicked out if you don't make love to your wife. Not a bad reputation, I tell you. Let me show you one of my favorite verses in the Old Testament. It's not on your outline, it's up here on the screen. I love this verse. Genesis 26:8 says, "Isaac was sporting with Rebecca his wife." I love that verse. Now leave that up there for a while. Let's look at this verse. If you had a pencil, I'd have you circle the word sporting. Do you know what that word means in Hebrew? You know, I've had years of Hebrew. You know what it means? It means caressing. It means petting. It means fondling. It's the Greek word, I mean the Hebrew word, sakhed. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this was the very first sport ever invented. I love this sport. I love this sport because you can play it any time of the year. You can play it outdoors or indoors. There is no fee for it. It requires no equipment. I am a sports fan. I really am. You know. I uh, let me show you the next verse. Psalm 128:6 says, "May you live to enjoy your grandchildren." Now, some of you are saying, Rick, what in the world does that have to do with this point? And the truth is, absolutely nothing. I just threw it in so I could show you this picture of my grandbaby. There she is. There she is. Yes. Now. I wrote the outline, it's my prerogative to throw it in.
Guest (Male): Oh my! He's shameless. Just shameless.
Pastor Rick Warren: There's a fourth thing you can do to keep your marriage growing. Number four, keep on giving affirmation. Keep on giving affirmation. Listen. Every single person, every one of us, we desperately need affirmation. God has wired us that way. You need to be affirmed. You need to be adored. That's how you are made. One reason that you fell in love with your mate is that they affirmed you. Who's going to fall in love with somebody who doesn't affirm you? You fall in love with people who express the fact that they love you. And your mate needs desperately affirmation from you. One of your God-given roles as a husband, as a wife, is to be your husband or wife's greatest fan. It's desperately needed. Why is that so important? Because we live in a world where there are a lot of critics. There's a lot of detractors out there, would you agree with that? It's easy to find somebody who'll criticize you and put you down. And so one of the most important things that you do is you lift up your husband, you lift up your wife, by affirmation. Now, how often are we supposed to do this? Well, the next verse in your outline talks about it. Would you read it with me? The Bible says in Hebrews 3:13. Let's read it. "Encourage each other every day while it is today." So what's a it's a daily habit. It's something we do every day. Now, one one a one small way that you can affirm is just through using terms of endearment. There's there's an affirmation in that. And there's a national survey that was done on the top ten terms of endearment. I thought you might be interested in what these were in the US. Number one is honey. Number two is baby. Number three, sweetheart, dear, lover, darling, sugar, pumpkin, number nine, angel pie, number ten, beautiful. Now, not making the list were love puppy, wild thing, or Shantel's favorite for me, stud dumpling was not on the list. So, moving right along, what do you affirm? What can you affirm? Let me give you three things you can affirm in in your spouse. Number one, you affirm their value. You know that the word appreciate, like with a house, means to raise it in value as it appreciates. You can raise somebody else in value as you appreciate them. As you appreciate them, you raise their value and you raise the value of your marriage. Look what the Bible says in Proverbs 12:25. "A word of encouragement does wonders." A word of encouragement would do wonders for your marriage this next week, for any relationship that you're in. You appreciate their value. Now, some of you might be thinking, what do I I can't even think of anything. What what do I appreciate? Well, let me give you a couple things. First of all, you can appreciate the fact they stuck with you. You can appreciate that. They didn't give up on the marriage. And you know what you can always appreciate? You can appreciate the effort, that at least somebody's trying, they're making an effort. They may not be doing it as well as you would like or like you would like, but they made the effort. Sort of like that husband, his new bride came in, making the first meal and said, put the plate down in front of him and said, "Honey, I made for you tonight my two specialties. I made meatballs and peach pie." And the husband says, "Great, I love both. Which one is this?" You can always appreciate the effort what what somebody gave to it. One of our couples at Saddleback that's been married for 50 years. Isn't it great, we think about somebody who stayed together for 50 years. Here's what the wife said. She said, if you treat your husband like a king, he'll treat you like a queen for all your life. That's appreciation and the value of that, the value of valuing somebody else. You can also affirm each other's strengths, the strengths that you have. You build each other up. The power of praise of seeing someone's strength and praising that strength is amazing, because all of us blossom with affirmation. That's how our lives are strengthened. We become what other people see in us. And as you affirm those strengths, you help someone to grow. One of the greatest models of this is the Apostle Paul. He was always doing this. There was a church in Corinth in his day. It was a messed up church. It had a lot of problems. But when he wrote to them, here's one of the things he had to say to them. In 2 Corinthians chapter 7 verse 4, he writes and says, "I have great confidence in you and a lot of reasons to be proud of you." He affirmed their strengths, the good things about them. It is your job to bring out the best in your husband, in your wife. Now, a lot of us think, "I'll bring out the best by pointing out the worst." If I can point out the worst, that'll bring out, it never works. It never works. You bring out the best in someone by pointing out the best, by affirming what's best. So you make this decision, "I'm going to be, I'm going to be a dream builder and not a dream buster. I'm going to be someone who decides to not nag, but to brag on my spouse." Instead of giving, I'm going to give strokes instead of giving pokes. Make that decision and watch the difference. And there's a third thing you can affirm, as you think about things to affirm, you can also affirm each other's ministry. This is very important. Affirm what you're doing for God's sake in the world today. Romans chapter 1 verse 12 says this, let's read this together. "I want us to help each other with the faith that we have. Your faith will help me and my faith will help you." As an example of that, I want you to listen to a story today. I want you to listen to the story of Bob and Carrie. Would you give them a warm welcome?
Guest (Male): Good morning, everybody. My name is Bob and this is my wife, Carey, and we'd like to share with you how serving Jesus Christ in ministry together has made our marriage stronger and healthier. In 1994, my life was completely changed by Jesus Christ when I started attending Saddleback Church in Celebrate Recovery. It was the first time in my life I had been attending church on a regular basis. And I had a lot of questions about who God was and why He would want to know me, a man who had hurt so many people with my selfishness and self-centeredness. But Jesus transformed my life and gave me a sincere desire to serve Him with a grateful heart.
Guest (Female): Strangely enough, I also started to attending Celebrate Recovery the same month and year that Bob did. I was a single, broken woman, alone and afraid, and looking for hope out of my despair. It wasn't very long before I too opened up my heart to the love of Jesus Christ. After about a year and a half of recovery and healing, I bumped into Bob, who at the time was a long-haired, truck-driving, tool-using hippie guy at our Celebrate Recovery barbecue. He's changed a lot. I noticed, and so amazed by how kind and thoughtful this guy was. Everyone seemed to really like him and I thought he would really make someone a great husband someday.
Guest (Male): Well, my first year and a half of being a new Christian, I attended everything that Saddleback had to offer. I was young, single, and had nothing but time. So I went to small groups, mid-week services, Celebrate Recovery twice a week, several Bible studies, and all the church classes. I was like a sponge during that time. I guess you could call me SpongeBob. I couldn't get enough of my new-found faith. So dating and romance really wasn't even on my radar. That is until Carey walked into my Thursday night Bible study and I thought, "Wow!" There was a woman that, there's no way that this woman that's so beautiful would be interested in a guy like me. Well, let's just say that God's plans were far greater than anything I could have imagined and that following April, Pastor John married us. By this time, we were both serving here at Saddleback to help others overcome their hurts, habits, and hang-ups. It was in ministry that brought us together and it was ministry that helps keep us growing together.
Guest (Female): What both Bob and I have discovered is that God never wastes a hurt. He uses all of our life experiences for His purposes. Bob and I have found that serving together in ministry has doubled the joy in our life and in our marriage. There is nothing to compare to the thrill of serving God together as a couple, and knowing that God is using both of you. God has given us the same passion and heart for people that were hurting, just like we once were. There is nothing more fulfilling than seeing someone that is broken and being able to offer them a ray of hope and that God can make a real difference in their life. Our passion for serving God together has also increased our passion for each other. It has brought us closer together than anything else I can imagine. It is difficult to put into words how much I love this man and how much I enjoy watching him fulfill God's calling on his life. Another benefit of sharing a ministry together is that it has taught us how to minister to each other during difficult times. When I lost my dad a year and a half ago, it was devastating for me. It had happened so suddenly. And Bob was always there with words of encouragement or just to hold me quietly. He wouldn't try to fix me, but he would bring me before the One who could. And I will always be grateful for what I have learned from serving in ministry side-by-side with him.
Guest (Male): And this last March, we were given the privilege to go to Japan for 15 days where we taught two seminars to Japanese churches on how to start Celebrate Recovery. Knowing our backgrounds, it was completely amazing and humbling to think that God was using us, Bob and Carrie Wood, together to help change lives for eternity. As we sat in our hotel room the night before the seminar, we reflected back on all the events that God had orchestrated in our lives to bring us to that point, and we realized that we make a great team. It was a great time of expressing appreciation to God and affirming each other. Because each of us has our own gifts, we were able to meet the needs of the Japanese people on all different levels. Being able to serve God is the most incredible journey I've ever been on, and being able to serve God with my wife makes it irresistible. My wife is my best friend. There's not another person on this planet that I'd rather spend time with. She's my love and my life. And next to Jesus coming into my life, she's the best thing that ever happened to me. So ministry gives us even more time to spend together.
Guest (Female): In closing, I want to encourage you to do something that we know will bring you much closer as a couple in marriage. Find a minister that you can do together and get involved serving God together. It's a wonderful bonding feeling. And if you like to do different things, then be sure to affirm each other's gifts and rejoice that God has made you both unique. But always support what God is doing in each of your lives. Thank you for letting us share.
Pastor Rick Warren: Now, the most important thing you got to do in order to keep your marriage growing is to keep on following Jesus. He's the glue. He's what holds you together when everything else is going to tear you apart, when you feel like giving up. Jesus Christ is the glue. Keep on following Jesus. The Bible says this, "You have accepted Christ as your Lord. Now keep on following Him." Don't just say, "Well, yeah, I became a Christian back in 19 whatever." But keep on following Him. The next verse, Colossians 2:7, says, "Keep your roots deep in Him. Build your lives on Him and become stronger in your faith." Now, how in the world do you do that? Well, let me give you some practical suggestions. First, if you haven't already done so, you need to publicly identify yourself as a Christian. You need to come out of the closet. And the way you do that is by being baptized. Any week, go get baptized and say, "I am saying, Jesus Christ is going to be the center of my life, and Jesus Christ is going to be the center of our marriage." I love it when I baptize husbands and wives together, when they're both saying, "We're committing our lives and our marriage to Christ." That's a wonderful, wonderful symbol. Second thing, get in a small group with some other couples who can help you grow. I know couples who take this sermon outline every week and Sunday afternoon, go home and have a barbecue and their family discusses it every week. That's their their time together. Now, fourth thing that you can do is you can pray for each other. Pray with and pray for each other. Look at this next verse, James 5:16. "Make this your common practice, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed." Would you like to live together whole and healed? Well, it tells you, first, you admit when you're wrong, and second, you pray for each other and you pray with each other. And then finally, you follow God's Word, keeping God's Word. Proverbs 3:6 says this, "Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go, He's the one who will keep you on track." This is the most amazing statistic I've ever read. Marriage magazine published a national study and discovered one out of three marriages ends in divorce. But when the couple is married in a church service, that number drops to only one out of every 50 ending in divorce. And when couples are married in a Christian service, attend church regularly, and maintain some form of regular family worship during the week, that means you pray together or you read the Bible together, the divorce rate plummets to only one out of every 1,105 marriages. One out of three or one out of 1,105. Think about that. That's the difference Jesus Christ makes in a marriage. When you're growing toward God and your husband or your wife's growing toward God, He naturally brings you together. You know, I've got a redwood tree in my backyard that I planted it 12 years ago, because I grew up in the redwoods in Northern California. And this thing's gone really good, but this year, it got under stress and it nearly died. All of the the needles fell off of it and first it kind of turned to yellow, then it actually started turning red. It looked like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. And I I I finally figured out that the water, the sprinkler, had been plugged up and it wasn't getting any water all season. And so I went out and I watered it and I fertilized it, and I nurtured it, took care of it. And about two weeks ago, it started sprouting new growth. And now it's getting greener and greener and greener and it's going to make it. Now, your marriage may have been going through a stress season, and maybe it's been in hibernation, and maybe it's been going through a drought and it's been dying of water, lack of water. And you got a Charlie Brown Christmas tree marriage. It doesn't look too pretty. It can come back to life. If you'll do what God tells you to do, if you'll do it God's way, your marriage can start growing again. Let's bow our heads. Now, which of these areas do you need to work on? Do you need to pay better attention to your husband or your wife? Do you ignore them when they talk to you, not really listen to them? Do you even know what their needs are right now? How about adjustments? Are you willing to make adjustments or have you been stubborn and unbending and expect them to adapt to your schedule? Do you show as much affection as you used to or have you let this area of your relationship become stale, stagnant? Do you give daily affirmations and encouragement to your husband or to your wife? Are you an encourager or are you a discourager? Do you give more strokes or pokes? Do you nag or do you brag? Do you affirm their value, their strength, their ministry? Is Jesus Christ the center of your life and your marriage? These are the things that keep a marriage going and growing. Pray this. Say, "Dear God, I I want our marriage to keep growing. Help me to pay better attention to my to my wife, to my husband. Help me to keep on making adjustments and showing affection and giving affirmation. Most of all, I want to keep on following you, Jesus. I ask you to give us a love that lasts a lifetime. In Your name I pray. Amen."
Pastor Rick Warren: What a special message from Pastor Rick. And now, let's hear how lives are changing through Daily Hope. Here's Rick with a letter from one of our listeners.
Pastor Rick Warren: Hi, everybody. Today I want to introduce you to Allison. She recently wrote me to tell how God had saved her from a life of prostitution, and used Daily Hope to help her grow as a young Christian. Here's what she wrote: "I grew up in an atheist family, and I was taught that people who believe in God are crazy, stupid, and brainwashed. I ended up being a hardcore drug addict for 15 years, and to pay for my habit, I sold my body on the street, and I was homeless. But I found a Bible in a hotel room where I was working, and the Lord radically saved me through His Word. Then an amazing church family embraced me fully, and helped me to grow in the Lord. One day, Pastor Rick, I came across your TED Talk on the internet, and I was blown away. So I looked up your website, and I downloaded the Daily Hope app. And I started listening to your sermons every single morning. I then bought the book, Purpose Driven Life on audible.com. I've enjoyed it immensely. I am so blessed to give a monthly donation so you can share your message all over the world. Your Daily Hope messages have meant so much to me in the past year, and I'm just an infant in Christ. I appreciate all the encouragement that I get from listening to you. Thank you, Pastor Rick." You know, Alison, I I just I can't thank you enough for writing to me and sharing your story. We live to get these letters. And and it's so exciting to hear stories from people like you who have been radically touched and transformed by the message of hope through Daily Hope. And I of course, I appreciate you giving a a monthly donation. Thank you for your prayers for this ministry that we can pass this good news of hope on to others. I just want you to know that I'm going to be praying that God continues to use you in the lives of other people, and to use Daily Hope to help you grow more like Jesus. God bless you, Allison.
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